I write this outside in the cold, spring wind. It is a slow spring here in my garden. Grey days replace grey days and the sunshine is rare and fleeting. My seedlings hunch and hesitate in their cold frame, their growth ponderous and disheartening. I have only just begun to brave sits outside like this and still wear enough layers to puff me out comically, a hat on my head, my hands in their fingerless mitts. It feels like a stalemate. My desire for change vs. the season’s reluctance, both pushing against each other.
Still, change is happening, and the wildness of the wind shaking the garden around me is speaking its name. That’s why I wanted to be out here today to write this, here under the sky. Up, up, far above the blinkers of my garden, the moon is turning new. It is the second Aries new moon in row, a rare and motivating portent for those who know, and tomorrow it will block the sun in what is called a hybrid eclipse, something that only occurs a handful of times in a century. It is a time of endings and new beginnings. Its energy is being whispered by people who watch the skies and I have been able to feel it like the spring wind pushing and playing inside me, even here, even here in my small, strange cage in my small, strange life. Change has scared me in the past, but this time, I feel ready, as strong as a tree.
There is the kind of change that comes forced and the kind of change you decide to make. I don’t know what this time will be for you, but for me, at least, it is proving to be more of the latter. It has left me thinking a lot about how to harness change for good and something I have realised is that for good change to last, it needs rules.
The idea of rules can feel restrictive and punishing until you realise that you’re already living by a whole bunch of them, even if you don’t name them as that. There are self-made rules hidden in the long lists of things we tell ourselves we should do or should feel over and over, hidden in what we feel bad or frustrated about, in the un-thought-about habits and behaviours we repeat and reinforce each day, in the standards and expectations we’ve inherited. We’re all living by a kind of code. So, isn’t it better then to write yourself a more conscious set of rules? One you choose to live by every day? I think so. Without clear rules for myself, I’ve found I’m at the mercy of my fear, panic, guilt, fatigue, buffeted around by other people’s squashing ideas or by every transient feeling.
This is why I like rules and why in this time of change I have made a point of writing mine down: a map to follow as everything shifts around me. I knew that if I didn’t, I’d soon be swept down another path I didn’t want to be on, and worse, I might not even know it.
My rules aren’t anything to do with what I think I SHOULD do each day – no, these rules of what I WANT. Not in the future, but now, every day. I spent a quiet and transformative week writing them, inspecting them, mining them right down to the core of what I actually want. What do I want my days to include and not include? My heart? My mind? My self? Deep honesty. Brave honesty. No bullshit. No pretending. And yes, my rules are for every day without fail. Sometimes leaves too many openings for excuses and stalling. Every day, even just a little bit of something every day, means there’s no decision to make.
I won’t list them. I know we’re all ever eager for ready-made lists to be handed to us like that, but I think that’s part of the problem. It’s a part of how easily we can find ourselves living according to someone else’s code, so easily that we can go our whole lives never really finding out what we truly want ourselves.
What I will do though, what this time writing in the wild wind is for (and look at that – the sky has turned blue over my bent head!), what I will do is encourage you to do the same.
Change is in the air. Can you feel it? So, tell me how you want to live. Tell me what you want to do every day, or not do, what you want your life to look like. Go make your rules and decide you’re going to keep them. You could do this on any day of any year – any single day can be a new start – but tomorrow, when the moon is dark and powerful, that would be an especially meaningful time. The whole universe is behind you. Imagine that.
THIS WEEK:
(this part is new, do you like it?)
✂️ I’ve been making…
A big, scrappy textile art-piece, inspired by a charcoal sketch I did of an image of a boat on a still pool that I’d imagined. I’m using my mornings to stitch the scene, pressing the fabric pieces onto the charcoal drawing to give it something of its energy and grubbiness. I love it. It forms a part of a much longer project that I’m really excited about and hope to be able to tell you about soon.
📚 I’ve been reading…
CREATING A LIFE WORTH LIVING by Carol Lloyd – a book about designing a creative career that actually reflects who you are. Timely! I’ve taken a lot of encouragement and insight from it. It’s out of print, so hard to get in physical book form now, but available on Kindle.
💪 I’ve been trying…
Self-hypnosis meditation. With the help of a very kind GP, I am weaning off the strong painkilling opiate drugs I’ve been on for a decade. Daunting but I feel very good about it. It means finding new ways to manage my pain levels as they haven’t changed, but there are an enormous number of mind-body tools that are hugely helpful. I’m enjoying exploring them and self-hypnosis particularly is proving a real ally.
♥️ I’ve been enjoying…
Slowly replacing all my household cleaning products with homemade ones. I make all my own teas and skincare products so this felt like a nice extension. I did it years ago but got out of the habit, but now vinegar, rubbing alcohol, baking soda etc are all my best new friends again. THE ORGANICALLY CLEAN HOME by Becky Rapinchuk is excellent!
Bimblings will remain a free Substack publication to all — I’m so conscious of the huge numbers of writers asking for a monthly subscription now but it’s not what I want to do.
That being said, I would hugely appreciate it if you were able to support my blog in other ways. Share and recommend my posts widely, if you can, and if you feel able to, do throw some money in the Ko-Fi Pot — these things really do make a big difference to me. Thank you!
I want to stand my ground. I'm tired of the way I back down too easily. I think your rule making idea is an excellent one. I am going to make a bigger list and put it in my wish jar, which I might well now rename my 'Rules for living' jar. Thank you for the inspiration! ♥
You always make me feel better Josie.The present is really difficult at the moment.Even at the worst of times I have always somehow felt stronger than I should given the circumstances but it’s all becoming overwhelming recently and I can’t see the way through because I am so hurty and weary.Your words give me comfort, so honest and positive,I don’t like hearing your bad times but only because I know how they feel and I want you not to feel like that.I have your back just like you have other’s.
PS a particular thank you for the self hypnosis for pain, I can’t take anything but paracetomol and ibuprofen gel due to hypersensitivity and they barely touch it but this gives me a different avenue to explore thank you
Take care🌻xx