Shapes
But then I told myself that I could begin right now. Even with my body shaking, my heart racing, my mind slanted and all dripping, drip drip off. I could decide not to wait any longer.
I have been thinking again about art and words, not as performance or polish but as process. Onlookers think that the best creative work tumbles out whole and sublime, or that it is supposed to, but that is because we're mostly only exposed to finished pieces. Those who know better know it comes out slowly, abstractly, untidily, often when we're doing something else. The best creative work is built through play.
This is what works for me: each day I gather. Thoughts, images, observations, those flashes of phrase or fantasy that fly through my head like a passing bird, as if headed somewhere else, my mind a fortuitous flight path. Sometimes one, two, little birds; sometimes a whole shifting charm. I have learnt how to encourage them closer, deliberately. I have learnt to record all this, to turn some moments into pictures, more still into words. From these fragments, always, something grows. I have learnt not to question what arrives or when. I trust it completely. I am grateful for all of it.
Usually, I keep these things to myself, sharing only what I can shine. I wondered this year, whether to try something different -- to be less precious. I think I would like to share more of my recordings here. Not in a formal, self-important way, not an actor on a stage, but more like the way a child draws on the walls or leaves toys on the floor, their arrangement a message even they don't know.
It feels good to start today, on what is a sick day for me, because I am always sick. I refuse to be surprised by it anymore, by the fact my body collapses and struggles. I think it can be the smallest deal in the world, barely a footnote. There is so much else for me to do and be and I will not wait. Besides, what you can do on a sick day is a good measure of what to aim for on all the other days because it's something you know you can sustain.
Here then is what I saw today: my cat joining me in bed, curling tight against my side.
Today I learned that, if nothing else, there is deep comfort in being a shape. I am something that other things can fit against, around. My complicated body never has to be lonely. As a surface, it is made for touch, for relationship, and good things will always find it.